- If your ex is sending you mixed signals, trying to fight with you, or still blaming you for the breakup, they might just be pretending to be over you.
- If you want to get back together with your ex, ask yourself why before you talk to your ex about giving the relationship another shot.
- If you want to move on with your life, go full no-contact for at least 30 days so you can focus on yourself without interference from your ex.
Signs They're Pretending
They're sending mixed signals. They're hot and cold with you—one day they seem fine and want to be friends, the next day they act like they hate you and want nothing to do with you. This could mean that they're legitimately unsure about how they feel, or it could mean that they're trying to get over you and just aren't there yet.
They try to fight or argue with you. Even if the emotions are hate or anger, those are strong feelings—and likely indicate that your ex hasn't moved on yet. They're not indifferent about you. On the contrary, you're still stirring up some strong feelings that they can't seem to get past.
They blame you for the breakup. If they're bringing up unresolved conflicts from your relationship or telling you that it's your fault the relationship ended, they likely have pretty strong feelings for you. They're trying to put things on you so they don't have to accept their share of fault for what happened.
They contact you frequently. Sure, when you were together you probably talked every day—so it's natural to feel a void when you're suddenly not doing that. But if your ex is still texting frequently, it's likely a sign that they're still thinking about you a lot and haven't moved on. They still want you to be a regular part of their life.
They bring up old memories. If they're constantly trying to remind you of the good times, it's probably because they want you to get caught up in them and forget the reasons the relationship ended. They may believe that remembering when things were good will convince you that the relationship is worth another shot.
They try to make you jealous. Maybe they're all over social media showing off their new flame and talking about how great that person is. They might even call or text to tell you how happy they are with this new person—and maybe they are! It's also possible that they're trying to make you jealous because they're not actually over you yet and they want to get back together.
They haven't publicly acknowledged the breakup. Is your ex in denial about the breakup? Do they pretend it didn't happen? That's a pretty sure sign that they're not over you yet. They might think that if they stick their head in the sand and pretend the breakup never happened, it will miraculously return.
They act really happy. Were they initially crushed, but now they seem incredibly happy? They could just be pretending. This is a defense mechanism that everybody uses to some extent—the whole "fake it till you make it" idea. They might not be over you yet, but they're trying really hard to get there and want everybody else (including you) to think that they already are.
Their social media presence is a lot different. If they used to be really active and now they rarely post, that could be a sign that they're avoiding social media because they don't want to be reminded of you. On the other hand, if they're suddenly super-active when they used to post rarely, that could be a sign that they're trying to get your attention.
They go out a lot more than they used to. This is a particularly strong sign if they used to be something of a homebody. If they're suddenly out partying every night and really living it up, it's likely that they're not over the relationship yet, and being alone only reminds them of it.
They seem to bump into you constantly. This is an especially likely sign they're just pretending if you've been sticking to your normal routine. Your ex knows where you're going to be, so it stands to reason that they might just happen to be there when they think you're going to be. They might just want to see you (or want you to see them), but it's also likely that they're not over you yet.
They joke about missing you. Maybe they seem like they've moved on, but if they make jokes about missing you or about wanting to see you again (or even wanting to hook up), it's likely that they're not quite over you yet. You're obviously still on their mind or they wouldn't mention these things.
They do things to get a reaction from you. Has your ex suddenly started doing all the things that you used to harp on them to do? Or are they doing something completely out of character that they know will get a rise out of you? These are possible signs that they're not over you and are willing to do anything to get your attention.
They're way too interested in your life. If they want to know details about your love life or are constantly asking if you're seeing anyone, it's likely that they want to know if they still have a shot. Likewise, if they're oversharing about their own love life, it could be because they want you to think they've moved on even though they haven't.
They flirt with you. Flirting is perhaps one of the most direct signs that your ex is probably just pretending to be over you. It's possible that they're just doing this to toy with your emotions, but it's also likely that they're genuinely flirting with you and hope that you'll reciprocate.
They left things at your place. They might claim that they just forgot their stuff, or that they'll come over and get it at some point in the future. But if they act like it's not a priority, it could be because they're only pretending to be over you and actually want to try to get back together.
They're keeping things of yours. It's possible you've been texting your ex because you want to get your things from their place and they keep putting you off. There just never seems to be a good time! While that could be the case, it could also be that they're just holding on to your stuff because they really want to be holding on to you.
They get their friends to talk to you. In this situation, you might get a text out of the blue from a mutual friend who's never really talked to you directly. Or you might "bump into" a friend of theirs who mentions that they're having a hard time with the breakup. These friends will usually say something about how they thought the two of you were great together and mention that your ex is beside themselves or really apologetic.
They call you late at night drunk or emotional. Anyone's emotions can get the best of them late at night, especially if they've been drinking. But if your ex is actually calling or texting you, that's usually a pretty clear sign that they're not over you yet. It could also be simply that they're lonely and having a hard time adjusting to being single.
They keep wanting to talk about the breakup. When a relationship ends, it's totally normal for anyone to want to figure out what happened. But if they keep wanting to have the same conversation with you over and over again, it's likely that they're trying to come up with a way to talk you out of ending the relationship.
What to Do if You Want to Get Back Together
Ask yourself why you want to get back together. When a relationship ends, it can really affect your self-concept and lead to a lot of anxiety and confusion. This is especially likely if you and your ex were together for a long time. Make sure that you want to get back together with them for the right reasons, not because you're trying to fill a void in your life or you just don't want to be alone. If you feel as though you're not yourself without them, taking a little more time off can help you get back to your old self again. Even if you have pretty strong lingering feelings, you want to make sure you're doing this for the right reasons.
Talk to your ex about the breakup. Have a serious conversation about the reasons for the breakup and whether those issues are things that can be fixed. If you want to get back together with them, you likely have lingering feelings—this is the main reason most people end up getting back together with their exes. Having lingering feelings doesn't mean there weren't real reasons that the two of you split. If you can't get past those issues, you're not likely to find your needs fulfilled if you get back together.
Figure out what's changed since you were together. It could be that the reasons you initially broke up are no longer relevant—and if that's the case, there might not be any good reason not to get back together. Talk to your ex about changes the two of you have made in your lives and see if something clicks. For example, your ex might tell you that they've started going to therapy or that they've quit drinking. If they've made a meaningful change in their life, it's possible that you could have a fulfilling second go-around.
Tell them the signs you've noticed that they're just pretending. You don't want to play a game of "gotcha" here, but if you let them know in a subtle way that you believe they're not quite over you, it can trigger a little spark that might have them looking your way. For example, you might mention that you've noticed that you seem to bump into them a lot and say, "Is there a reason for that? Maybe something you'd like to talk about?"
Be willing to start over from scratch. Whether you become lovers again or just develop a close friendship, you won't get there by rehashing the past or thinking about returning to your previous relationship. Recognize that your previous relationship is over and if you're getting back together, you're starting fresh in a new relationship.
What to Do if You Want to Move On
Go full no-contact for at least a month. If you're done with the relationship and want to move on, going full no-contact is one way to get over the hump. After a breakup, any contact with your ex can lead to anxiety and psychological distress. You likely want to block them on social media as well. If you can't see what they're doing, it'll make it easier for you to move on. You can always unblock them later if you decide you want to be friends. If they won't stop texting or calling you, you might also consider blocking their number.
Tell people you know about the breakup. If your ex hasn't acknowledged the breakup but you're ready to move on with things, go ahead and tell people yourself—especially mutual friends. It might not seem nice to force your ex's hand on this, but it'll go a long way towards getting them to accept reality. If mutual friends are talking to you about the relationship and want you to get back together when you don't want to, tell them that you consider the situation to be one that's between you and your ex and has nothing to do with them. This will typically get them to butt out.
Get rid of things that remind you of your ex. Do this not just with things of theirs that they might've left behind, but mementos of the relationship as well. It will help you move on. If it's hard for you to handle those things at the moment, put them in a box and give the box to a friend for safe-keeping. If your ex has things of yours that you really need back, you might want to talk to a friend and get them to go get your things for you.
Set boundaries around what you're comfortable with. It's likely that you used to talk to your ex about everything, but now that you've split, that might not be appropriate. If you're trying to move on but don't want to go no-contact, setting some boundaries will help create a healthy distance between you. Think about how and why you want your ex to remain in your life (if at all). That will help you decide what boundaries you want to set. Keep in mind that the boundaries you want to set might change over time. Something that you're initially uncomfortable with might be fine once you've been apart for several months.
Remain calm when they try to get a rise out of you. Try to avoid getting overheated or emotional about anything your ex says or does. If you stay calm, they'll realize that their tactics aren't working and that you're not going to give them the reaction they want. Let them know that you're not going to stoop to that level and that you're done talking to them. If they're trying to stir you up, it might be worth avoiding them or blocking them so you don't have to deal with it while you're trying to move on.
Focus on yourself. If you're still hurting and your ex seems to be doing just fine, that can be really tough to handle. Focus on yourself instead and don't give them that power over you. Invest in yourself and don't worry about what they're doing. You'll feel better in time. Journaling is a great way to process your feelings about the breakup so you can start feeling stronger about yourself and move on.
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