What is grooming behavior?
Grooming behavior is done by predators to get a child ready for future sexual encounters. Some groomers try to bond with the child (and/or with the child's caregiver). Groomers often make their relationship with the child seem completely normal, which makes it harder for the child to identify the issue and cut ties.
Red Flags (for Parents)
Ask questions if someone gives special attention to your child. When a potential predator grooms a child, they’ll likely start giving them special attention. This might come as part of a special relationship. Watch for the person spending extra time with your child, giving them lots of compliments, or offering to give them extra help. Additionally, notice if your child is telling a lot of stories that involve the person in question. Pay special attention to family friends, parents of your child’s friends, teachers, counselors, bus drivers, and coaches. Keep in mind that most teachers, counselors, or coaches only want to help your child. It’s possible that they’re paying special attention to your child because they have a special talent or need. For instance, a coach might give special attention to their best player. However, ask questions to be sure.
Watch for offers to help you with childcare or household tasks for free. If someone is grooming your child, they’ll want to get access to them. This requires them to be in your house often. It’s common for groomers to offer to babysit your child, fix things around the house, or undertake household remodeling projects. Pay attention if someone is offering to help you, especially if they aren’t asking for anything in return. Offering help doesn’t make someone a predator, and it’s possible they’re just being nice. When trying to decide if this is a sign of grooming, consider the person’s relationship to you and your child, as well as if they’re showing other signs of grooming.
Notice if the person tries to spend time alone with your child. They may invite your child on a special trip or offer to help them with school or sports. In most cases, these trips won’t include other adults. Be careful about letting your child go on these types of outings, and try to make surprise visits to check on things. For example, a soccer coach might offer to run drills after practice, or a camp counselor may offer to take your child on a special camping trip after camp is over. Don’t let your guard down just because other kids will be there. For instance, a groomer might invite your child to spend the night with just them and their own children. While this may be innocent, don’t hesitate to ask questions and look for other signs of grooming just to be sure.
Pay attention if an adult is trying to be friends with your child. A potential predator will want your child to trust them, so they’ll usually offer to be your child’s friend. They might play video games with your child and pretend to share their interests. Make sure you meet all of your child’s friends, and know who they’re spending time with. It’s also possible for a groomer to first befriend you and then try to befriend your child. An adult who doesn't have bad intentions shouldn't object to you or another adult being present.
Talk to your child if you're concerned about a relationship they have with an adult. It's normal to be worried about your child, so don't hesitate to look into a situation you find suspicious. Don't alarm your child by sharing your concerns about the adult, but gently ask them questions to make sure that everything is okay. Get them to tell you about how they met the person, what they do together, and what they talk about. Here are some questions you might ask: How did you meet your friend? What kinds of things do you talk about with your friend? What does your friend like to do? Does your friend ever give you presents? Has your friend gotten you candy or ice cream? Does your friend have kids you play with? If your child is reluctant to talk about their friend, or they mention keeping a "secret," that can be a sign of grooming. Do you ever feel uncomfortable or confused when you're around your friend?
Notice if someone is sharing adult information with your child. This might include dirty jokes, information about sex, or details about their own love life. No one should be telling your child these kinds of things especially without your knowledge. Listen to what your child talks about and question them if something sounds off. Additionally, when your child spends time around someone, ask them what they talked about. You might say, “Earlier I heard you talking about thong underwear. Who told you about that?” or “Did you have fun at baseball practice today? What was coach saying to you after it ended?”
Watch for accidental, innocent, or unusual touching. As part of the grooming process, a potential predator will try to casually touch their target so that the child will get used to it. This makes it easier for the potential predator to graduate to sexual touching. Notice anytime someone touches your child, even if it’s innocent. Also, ask your child how they feel about the touch. For example, the groomer might “accidentally” touch your child by bumping into them. Similarly, they may “innocently” touch your child by patting them on the back or giving them a quick hug. “Unusual” touching might include tickling or wrestling with your child.Warning: Someone who’s grooming your child may casually or innocently touch your child in front of you so that your child will perceive that you’re okay with it. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you see your child get touched, even if it seems like no big deal. Say, “Hey champ, are you okay with being hugged right now?”. This lets your child know they can say “no” to the touching, and you’ll support them.
Pay attention if someone is buying gifts or treats for your child. This is another way a groomer will get your child to like them. They may surprise your child with things they want or items they need. Similarly, they might bring your child their favorite treats or offer to take them out. Notice when someone is spending money on your child so you can find out why. If it’s around the holidays or your child’s birthday, it’s possible the gifts are innocent. Before you decide the behavior is grooming, consider the person’s relationship to your child and if they’re doing other grooming behaviors. For instance, it’s normal for relatives to give a child gifts.Tip: Keep in mind that your child may not always tell you when they receive these gifts, especially if the groomer asks them not to. Ask questions if your child has things you didn’t buy for them, such as a new jacket, a cell phone, or snacks. Find out who purchased the items for your child.
Red Flags (for Victims)
Notice if someone wants you to keep your relationship a secret. Someone who is grooming you won’t want other people to know about it. They’ll ask you to keep your communications and time spent together a secret. Watch for them to say things like, “No one can know but us,” or “If people found out, we’d both get in trouble.” These are signs something might be wrong. If you have any concerns about a relationship, talk to your parent, guardian, or a trusted friend or relative.
Watch for signs that a person is trying to gain your trust. Someone who is grooming you will want you to trust them, which will help them take advantage of you. While people normally let trust develop slowly, a groomer will try to get you to trust them quickly. You might notice the following signs: They offer you advice. They offer to be there for you while you’re going through a problem. They point out how others are untrustworthy. They claim to be going through something similar to you. They present themself as an authority figure. They give you compliments. They validate your thoughts. They pretend to reveal very important details about themself. They invite you to call them by their first name, while all other children call them by their last name.
Watch for attempts to get you alone. The person might offer to take you somewhere special or offer you extra help. Be careful about going off alone with someone. Ask them if it’s okay to invite others to see how they react. Additionally, always tell someone where you’re going. For example, they may invite you to meet them at a local park or might ask to you to come over to their home. Similarly, they may offer to tutor you or show you a really cool thing they just bought. If you ask to bring someone else and they get mad, upset, or suggest rescheduling to a time you'll be alone, then it may be a sign that something is wrong. On the other hand, they might try to use their charm to convince you that it's okay. Notice if they try to convince you that you'll have more fun alone. For instance, they might say something like, "We'll have more fun if we go by ourselves," or "There's only room for the two of us, so we might not get to go if you invite someone else."
Ask questions if someone is buying you things for no reason. It’s common for someone to buy the person they’re grooming presents, treats, meals out, and other items. Any time someone is showering you with items, it’s a cause for concern. If someone is buying you things, let your parent or guardian know what’s happening. You might say, “Mom, I have this older friend who’s bought me a lot of clothes and jewelry lately. Do you think that’s okay?”
Notice if someone lies about their age, personal details, or interests. At first, it may be hard for you to recognize when someone’s telling a lie, and that’s okay. As you get to know them, watch for stories that change or details that they get incorrect. Additionally, stop talking to them immediately if you find out something is a lie. For instance, notice if the names of their family members change, if they have trouble remembering something they told you before, or if their interests suddenly change to match yours. For example, let’s say you’re talking to a guy who says he’s the same age as you are, but then you meet in person and you realize he’s much older. End the relationship immediately and tell a trusted adult.
Pay attention if someone tries to have sexually explicit conversations. They may even try to turn innocent subjects into a dirty conversation. This can be a sign that they’re grooming you. Tell them you’re not comfortable with what they’re saying or end the conversation. Then, let a trusted adult know what’s happening. For example, you might say, “Soccer practice was really tough today,” but they reply, “I’ll bet you need a nice massage. I’m imagining giving you one.” This is not okay. Similarly, they might start a conversation with something like, “What are you wearing?” Watch out for attempts to bring you out of your comfort zone, whether they try to make you do something, say something, or think something that makes you uncomfortable.
Notice if someone touches you without your permission. A person who is grooming you might pat your back, touch your arm, or try to hug you. They may be trying to see if you'll let them touch you. If someone touches you, especially if it makes you uncomfortable, tell them to stop and talk to someone you trust about it. Say, “Please don’t touch me,” or “I don’t like to be hugged.”
Ways to Protect Your Child from Grooming
Teach your child about grooming tactics and inappropriate touching. The only way for your child to learn about dangers is for you to talk to them. Talk to them about the ways a potential predator might groom them. Then, explain that it’s not okay for people to touch them without their consent. Let them know that they can come to you at any time for help. For instance, you might say, “It’s not okay for anyone to touch you, especially on your private area. Anytime someone touches you in a way you don’t like, even if they’re a doctor or teacher, tell me about it so I can make sure you’re safe.” Keep your tone soft and friendly when you talk to your child about dangers. Since your child wants you to be happy, they may be less likely to tell you something they think will upset you.
Know all of the adults in your child’s life. This includes their teachers, counselors, bus drivers, coaches, religious leaders, parents of friends, neighbors, etc. Meet them and ask them about themselves so you get a feel for who they are. Additionally, listen to your child so you can watch for signs that there’s a new adult in their life that you don’t know about. Attend your child’s school's open house and other school events to meet with the faculty. Visit the homes of your child’s friends. Regularly attend your child’s sports practices or other activities. Listen your child’s stories and ask about people you don’t know.
Let your child choose if they want to give affection to loved ones. This teaches your child that it’s okay to have boundaries, which empowers them to recognize when someone is hurting them. Talk to your friends and relatives beforehand to let them know that they need your child’s consent for things like hugs, kisses, or cuddles. Then, help your child make these choices by walking them through the process and supporting their decisions. For instance, when you arrive at a family event and see your child’s grandmother, say, “Look, grandma is here! Do you want to give her a hug?” If your child says no, say, “That’s okay. Good job speaking up.”
Build up your child’s self-esteem to make them more resistant to grooming. Unfortunately, potential predators are good at spotting children who don’t have confidence or good self-esteem. They try to fill that gap so the child will be vulnerable to them. You can protect your child by giving them lots of compliments, helping them recognize their strengths, and supporting their dreams. Tell your child every day that you love and value them. Say, “I’m so proud that you’re my child.”
Check your child’s phone and messaging apps to see who’s talking to them. While it may seem like an invasion of their privacy, it’s important to know who your child is talking to. Groomers will try to communicate with your child to establish a relationship with them. This can happen via their phone, on social media, or through messaging apps. Check all of your child’s communications so you know who they’re talking to. Try installing parental monitoring software on your child’s phone and computer. Get all of your child’s passwords to their online accounts.
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