How to Avoid Letting Pessimistic People Get You Down

Reducing the Effect Pessimism Has on You

Focus on yourself. Sometimes we can spend so much time worrying about others and how they are feeling that we lose sight of ourselves. Take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions towards pessimism. By focusing on your own happiness and less on others, you take the power away from negativity. Remind yourself that you are in control. You are in control of how much you let another person’s feelings and thoughts affect you. For example, even though pessimism is hard to listen to, understand that the other person’s pessimism is a reflection of themselves and you can only control your own feelings. You have the power to dictate what affects how you are feeling.

Change your thinking. Using logic as a coping resource is associated with higher mental toughness. Stay positive. Research suggests that optimism may increase mental toughness. This means that your own optimistic outlook can help you combat pessimism and the spill-over from negativity. If you find yourself feeling down around the pessimist, make a mental list (or even write it down if you wish) of five good things in your life. Think of the items on this list in your head as a sort of "shield" against negativity if you find yourself reacting to it. Actively cultivate positive friendships with other optimistic people. Spending more time around optimists will help raise your mood and reassure you that your state of mind is the right one for you.

Focus on the person’s good qualities. The individual’s outlook on things isn't her only feature - there are many more complex qualities within a person, so rather than fixating on the negatives, look for the good things. Is she intelligent? Supportive of you? Is she unique enough not to care what anyone else thinks about her? Is she good to work with? Focus on the positive aspects of a person and seek to balance out the negatives. Just as you might make a list of the five positive things in your life, try to make a list of at least three positive things about your pessimist and run these through your mind when dealing with this person gets tough. You can also draw on this list to remind the pessimist of what she is good at, in case it seems she has forgotten. Find compassion for the pessimist in your life by remembering that her pessimism might be rooted in unhappiness or low-self esteem. When you hear negativity, remind yourself that she may be going through something very difficult that is contributing to her pessimism.

Give up control. Understand that you do not have control over other people’s thoughts or behaviors. Expect the pessimist to have responsibility for her pessimism. She may see the negatives, therefore let her own her interpretation of events and life in general. Accept that this person has a choice to think the way she does. Tell the pessimist to make the choice that she feels most comfortable with. Avoid giving advice or pushing the person to see or do things your way.

Avoid trying to be a hero. Resist the innate desire to attempt to cheer the pessimist up. What you want to avoid is positively reinforcing her negative thoughts by providing a reward for pessimistic thinking (attention, positivity, etc). Don't seek to persuade the pessimist that everything will work out fine. Remember that you cannot control how she will interpret the situation.

Practice acceptance. Don't be too quick to dismiss people due to their pessimism. Learning to get along with people who are not like us is an important part of self-development and socialization. Being pessimistic isn't always bad. Some philosophers and researchers have argued it may actually make people happier and closer to reality because they will be more prepared and less disappointed if they consider that the worst outcome might occur. Thus, when bad things do happen, they may be better at dealing with them.

Communicating Effectively about Pessimism

Be assertive. Give feedback and help your pessimistic friend understand her effect on others. Be mature in your interactions with her. Be respectfully honest. If the pessimistic person is bothering you in some way or affecting you negatively, let her know. Say you're sorry that she sees things that way but you see things differently. Use “I statements.” I feel ____ when you ______. Focus on your own feelings rather than on the other person’s actions. Avoid labeling. Telling a person who has pessimistic thinking that she is a pessimist will most likely be unhelpful and could lead to conflict.

Re-frame negativity. One thing you can do is attempt to offer alternative ways of looking at the problem. Remember though, you are not trying to save her from pessimism or cheer her up. You are simply expressing your opinion and disagreeing with her view of the situation.

Create boundaries. You may need to spend time apart from this person or distance yourself. Setting boundaries on what you discuss with the person and how long you bathe in her influence can be useful ways of overcoming your dislike of being in her presence. Do not just ignore her; that would be considered passive-aggressive communication. Limit your interactions if necessary. However, if she is your friend, coworker or family member you may not be able, nor wish, to avoid her. In this case, minimizing the amount of time spent around her can be beneficial to your own sense of well-being.

Be nurturing. Exercise compassion when dealing with others who think differently from you. If the pessimist doesn't want to do something that you do, be empathetic about her worries or plight. This is a kind, yet subtle, way to highlight the thing she is being negative about - by focusing on it directly and expressing sympathy for her worry, and pain. Be understanding and supportive without validating the negativity. For example, tell a pessimist who is disinclined join you in an activity that she can go home/not come, while you go ahead and do it anyway. Say something like, "I'm sorry this is hard on you. Go ahead and do whatever it is you need to feel better (go home/not come/stay here/do the easier task, etc.)."

Identifying and Understanding Pessimistic Thinking

Know the signs of pessimism. Initially, because of your own sunny attitude, you might not be alert to the pessimistic bent of another person. It is helpful to understand these patterns in order to be able to detect them in yourself. Signs of negative thinking include: Thinking that things aren't going to work out well. This is also known as catastrophizing, or thinking the worst will happen. Believing that the negative outcomes are permanent and inescapable. May blame self or others for things not turning out well.

Understand possible underlying issues. A possible reason for the existence of pessimistic thinking is depression. If this is the case, the pessimist may need psychological or medical treatment. See How to cope with depression for an explanation of the symptoms. If you are concerned that your friend or family member has a mental health issue you can express your worry to her and offer treatment as an option. Simply say, "I noticed you seem sad (or angry, or negative) lately, have you ever considered talking to a professional about it? I think this might help." Be careful not to be pushy or you may scare her off.

Continue to educate yourself about pessimism. The more you know, the less personal it might feel when pessimistic thinking is around you. With education comes understanding and an increased ability to cope. One option is to read the book, Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman. Dr. Seligman is a psychologist and expert in the field of positive psychology. He offers ways to identify if you are more optimistic or pessimistic, as well as ways to cope. This can be a useful resource both for the pessimist and optimist, and teaches tools to learn how to be more optimistic.