How to Have Great Phone Conversations with Your Girlfriend

Finding Things to Talk About

Ask open-ended questions. Phrase your questions so they can't be answered with a simple “yes” or “no." If you simply ask, “Did you have a good day?” she’ll probably respond with, “Yeah.” Instead, ask, “What was an interesting thing that happened today?” Remember, the idea is to ask her things that lead naturally into conversation, not to pepper her with interview questions. Talk about mutual interests and acquaintances. Introduce a subject you can both relate to, like asking what she thought of the latest episode of a series you both watch, or whether she read a recent interview with a mutual favorite author, or what so-and-so has been up to lately. Seek advice or support. You probably offer your girlfriend a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on, but your bond will be stronger if that goes both ways. If you’re struggling with something, it’s okay to be vulnerable and turn to her for advice or validation. Inquire about her childhood. Try asking her, “When you were 7 years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?” People like to talk about themselves, and if you open that conversational door, your girlfriend will walk through it.

Share an anecdote from your day. If something interesting or funny happened, tell her about it. It can be easy to rely too heavily on gripes about frustrating situations when you do this, so try to make sure you are not just rattling off complaints. Keep the conversation going by asking what made her laugh today. Tell her about something you saw or heard that reminded you of her.

Make or discuss plans. Brainstorm fun ideas of things the two of you could do this week. If you already have plans, talk about how excited you are to go to that concert, or mention a review you read of the play you’re going to see. This will get her excited, too, and make her feel like a valued part of your life.

Share your goals and aspirations. Tell her about some of your hopes and dreams. You don't want to monopolize the conversation, but she’ll be interested to know that she’s dating a person with ambitions.

Chat about people you both know. A little bit of gossip is okay as long as you avoid anything too brutal or personal. This should constitute a small portion of your conversation, but it can be an easy fallback if you’re at a loss. There aren't a lot of people who can resist indulging in gossip from time to time!

Ask follow-up questions. Inviting her to tell you more about something she just said lets her know you’re interested. It will also extend the mileage you get out of that particular subject, saving you from immediately having to come up with a new topic. Try asking, “What was that like for you?”or “How did she react when you said that?”

Actively Listening

Make an effort to understand her. Practice active listening by giving brief affirmations, avoiding judgment, and asking clarifying questions. Active listening may be the most important conversational skill you can cultivate, because it helps other people feel heard and understood. This technique will not only make conversation flow more easily, it will also increase your girlfriend's trust in you. Being a good listener is crucial for your relationship. Remember that what your girlfriend really wants is to feel listened to, heard and understood on every level, whether you talk about some petty things or the deepest ones.

Focus on her and give her the opportunity to vent. In a healthy relationship, there’s equal conversational space for both partners. That said, sometimes one of you will need more attention or support than the other. Be a good listener by allowing her to dominate the conversation when she needs to, without inserting your own ego.

Pay genuine attention. Sometimes you might be so focused on trying to think of things to say that you forget to really listen. As you let her say what she needs to and focus on listening without interrupting, you’ll be able to come up with comments or questions related to what she’s saying. Avoid multitasking during your phone conversations; if you’re distracted, she might pick up on that and feel hurt.

Make nonjudgmental responses that demonstrate you're listening. Often this can be as simple as telling her, “That sounds really hard. I know how important your dog was to you.” This lets her know that you are listening and that you feel for her, while giving her plenty of space to continue sharing.

Reflect her feelings back to her. If she just told you a story about a fight she had with her friends, avoid saying something like, “It sounds like your friends are real jerks. They don’t appreciate how great you are.” This may seem like a supportive way to respond, but the truth is that she loves her friends, and your harsh words will ultimately come back to haunt you. Try a gentler response like, “It sounds like you felt really disrespected by the way they spoke to you.” This validates the way she’s feeling, without pointing a finger of blame.

Invite her to continue. Use phrases like, “Tell me more about it,” “I’d like to hear more about that,” “How did that feel?” or “What did you do then?” Even small comments like, “Go on,” or “Uh-huh,” are enough to encourage her to keep sharing.

Being Supportive

Ask for updates about things she mentioned before. This will show her that you really pay attention to the things she shares with you, and that you care about the things that are important to her. Try asking things like, “So was your boss less of a jerk today?” or “Is your mom feeling better?” or “Did you finish that book you’ve been so into?”

Avoid offering solutions unless she asks for them. Many men tell people about their problems because it’s a practical route toward solving those problems. On the other hand, many women want empathy rather than practical suggestions. When your girlfriend tells you about something she’s struggling with, your first instinct may be to offer solutions. Avoid this; if she wants advice, she will probably ask for it. Until then, a good working assumption is that she really just wants to feel understood.

Demonstrate that you relate to what she feels. Sometimes sharing a story about a time you experienced something similar can help validate her and make her feel less alone. It provides reassurance that the way she feels is normal and understandable.This isn’t appropriate in all situations (like, if her grandma passed away, don’t tell a story about your hamster dying). Keep it brief to avoid overshadowing her.

Avoid invalidating her feelings. It hurts to hear words like, “You’re overreacting,” “Don’t worry so much,” “You’ll feel better tomorrow,” “It’s not that bad,” or “There’s no reason to get so upset.” Whether or not you feel like her emotional response is appropriate, it doesn’t change what she is feeling. Emotions are not always rational, and people who are upset are not always reasonable. Right now your job is simply to listen.