- Abusers may feel anxious, scared, or upset when you start ignoring them since they’re not in control anymore.
- Abusers may try to gaslight you or shift the blame so they’re not accountable. Just keep ignoring them and trusting your feelings so you don’t give back control.
- Cut off abusers by stopping all communication if you’re able to. If you can’t fully avoid a manipulative person, then give the bare minimum response.
What happens when you ignore an abuser?
They may ignore you back. When you stop responding to abusers, they may give you the silent treatment right back. Abusers may “stonewall” you and stay quiet because they want to feel like they’re in control of the situation. They’ll hope that you feel more uncomfortable than and break the silence to reach out first. Rather than giving in and communicating, look for some self-soothing activities to do on your own instead. Get some exercise, meditate on your feelings, or journal about how their silence makes you feel.
They could gaslight you. After you go quiet, a gaslighter may try to convince you that a situation or event happened differently than you remember. They could tell you that there was never an issue between you or that you misunderstood what their intentions were. They may believe what they’re saying, even if it wasn’t true, just to see if you’ll change your mind and reach out again. Some common gaslighting phrases could be, “That’s not what happened,” “You’re overreacting,” or “What? It was only a joke!” Respond to gaslighting by refusing to engage or argue about what really happened. You know the truth of the situation, so you don’t have to defend yourself from someone who’s trying to manipulate you.
They may act nice to try winning you back. You may have good memories where an abuser made you feel special as you got to know each other. Once they let their true colors show and you start ignoring them, a manipulator may try “hoovering” to pull you right back in. They may make a fake apology, give you compliments, or try to smooth-talk their way out of your decision so they don’t lose you. Even if they’re acting nice, they still may never apologize or recognize the wrongs they’ve done. Abusers are afraid of losing control over people, so they may love-bomb you with kind words or gifts to feel like they can pull you back in. While it may be tempting to fall for their tricks, it’s just another way that they’re manipulating you back into an unhealthy relationship.
They could feel anxious or scared. Abusers want to feel like they’re at the top and the most important part of your life, so they start feeling uncomfortable once you stop responding. They may text you asking what’s wrong and worry about why you’re not replying to them. In reality, they’re worried that their true selves are being exposed and worry that other people will catch on to their act as well. You don’t need to respond to a manipulator even when they say they’re scared or anxious about their relationship with you. It’s better to just keep ignoring them so you don’t give up any control.
They may get angry with you. Manipulators want to feel better about themselves, so they keep people around who can help boost their egos. When you suddenly stop giving them what they want, there’s a chance they’ll get really upset and call you selfish for not meeting their needs. Abusers may send angry messages or call you when they’re upset to try getting what they want. Continue ignoring an angry abuser since it’s not worth arguing or getting involved. Even if you try to explain yourself and are in the right, they may twist your words and try making you feel bad for their outburst.
They might shift the blame to you. Manipulators avoid taking accountability for their actions, so they’ll say that you’re the one that caused an issue in your relationship. If you’re ignoring a manipulator that ignored you, they may not even recognize that they’re doing the same thing and feel like they’re being criticized unfairly. It’s better not to respond to an abuser if they try blaming you. You know in your heart that it was their behavior that caused the rift, not yours.
They may talk badly about you. If you’re the one that started ignoring them first, an abuser will feel like they’ve been rejected and get upset. There’s a chance that they’ll try to spread lies about you to feel better about themselves rather than sitting with the shame or insecurity they have. If you hear a lie that an abuser spread, compare what they say to the actual truth of what happened. Trust yourself and avoid questioning how you perceived and interpreted the situations.
They could try to keep tabs on you. After you cut off communication with them, a manipulator may continue checking your social media pages to see how you’re doing. They may also try to see you while you’re at work or ask friends and family how you’re doing to feel like they’re still a part of your life even if you’re not talking to them directly. Block the person from your social media pages or hide your posts from them so they’re not able to interact with them.
They might try turning friends and family against you. If a manipulator feels like you’ve wronged them or aren’t giving them control, they could tell lies to your friends and family members about what happened. Manipulators may say that you’re cutting them off and try to get others to sympathize with them rather than taking responsibility for their actions. Chat with your friends about the abuser's behavior. Even if an abuser seems charming to your friends and family, they’ll trust your experiences more.
They may move on to someone else. If a manipulator sees that you’re not going to respond no matter what they do, they’ll recognize that they don’t have control over you anymore. Since they can’t do anything to make you come back to them, they’ll start looking for someone else that they can easily influence. If a manipulator is talking or starting a relationship with someone you know, give them a warning about your experiences with the person. That way, your friend will know what to look out for and stand up for themselves if they experience the same behavior.
They could try to sabotage you. Some manipulators may get vengeful when things don’t go their way, so they’ll try to do things that block meaningful opportunities in your life. They may try to prevent you from moving up in your career, destroy personal belongings that are important to you, or may even act out violently. If an abuser starts harassing you or turns violent, contact the authorities and let them know about the issue. Don’t try to get involved on your own so you don’t risk getting hurt.
How to Ignore an Abuser
Cut off or limit your contact with them. If you can, go no-contact and stop responding to a manipulator to show that they don’t have any control over your life. Avoid responding to their texts, calls, and DMs, and give them the silent treatment. If you can’t avoid them, like if they’re your coworker, co-parent, or classmate, try to keep your conversations brief and to the point. Use the Gray Rock method to communicate with a manipulator. Rather than wearing your emotions on your sleeve, try to show as little emotion as possible when you have to communicate with them. Since the abuser can’t get a rise out of you, they’ll get more flustered.
Set and maintain clear boundaries. When you set your boundaries, decide on what behavior you’ll tolerate and what you will no longer stand for in a relationship. If the abuser tries to communicate with you, state your boundary clearly without any hesitation or defensiveness. Use a clear and firm voice and avoid trying to negotiate since the abuser may try to break you down. Example: If you’re setting a boundary with a manipulative coworker, you may decide to only respond to questions about work duties but not open up about your personal life. You may say, “I’ve said that I don’t want to talk about my personal life, and would appreciate it if we kept our conversations work-related." Example: If an abusive co-parent gets upset and starts raising their voice, you could say, “I’m not going to communicate with you when you raise your voice.” Then, wait for them to calm down before talking again. Be sure to enforce your boundaries every time they’re broken. If you let something slide once, a manipulative person may keep pushing and try to break the boundary even more.
Work towards personal goals. Invest your time into your passions and the things that you love doing so you can feel independent from someone with abusive behaviors. Focus on your interests and hobbies so you feel the most fulfilled in your life. Set goals for your personal projects and for your career that are specific to what you want to achieve in life. As you complete the things you want to, you won’t hold onto any feelings you have for the person trying to control your life. Create SMART goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive. Some goals you could set are exercising to lose 5 pounds over the summer or completing a 10,000 word short story in a month.
Spend time with friends and family that support you. Reach out to your loved ones and let them know that you’re trying to ignore a manipulator in your life. Talk about how you’re feeling and ask for their support through it all. Try to find activities that you can do together to help take your mind off the situation. If you’re really struggling with handling a narcissist, reach out to a therapist or check for any abuse recovery programs offered in your area. They can help you recognize that the person’s behaviors aren’t your fault and give helpful insight.
Reflect on what you need in a relationship. Take a minute to think about what you’re looking to get out of a friendship or relationship that the abuser wasn’t giving you. What values are important to you and how can your relationships reflect them? What needs need to be met for you to feel fulfilled? What are your expectations for the another person you’re close with? Once you find what you want out of a relationship, search for people who have those values and spend time with them.
Recognize abusive or manipulative behaviors so you avoid them in the future. Be wary of people who have controlling behavior and want you to act in a certain way to make them happy, since those are signs of narcissism. Also be on the lookout for people who refuse to take accountability, blame you for your wrongdoings, and have trouble showing empathy towards tough times you’re experiencing.
Can an abuser change?
An abuser may change if they see the negative impacts they’re causing. If a manipulator sees that the relationships in their personal or professional lives are breaking down, they may see how their behavior negatively impacts people. While it may take a lot of motivation and effort for an abuser to completely change their ways, they can still manage their behaviors if they set their mind toward being more empathetic and understanding of others. If a person works with a therapist, it’s a good sign they want to make a meaningful change. A therapist can help a person find the root cause of their behavior, challenge how they handle situations, and offer helpful insight to change how they interact with others.
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