How to Make Up with Your Partner After a Fight

Taking Accountability

Stop the argument so that you can resolve to make up. Avoid holding grudges or letting the argument spill over into a new day. Make a resolution together to end the conflict. Mutually agree to make up so that you can both begin to heal.

Acknowledge your role in the argument. Recognize that regardless of what the fight was about, you played a role in it. Be humble and admit where you went wrong. Leave out the “but” or “you should have” and focus on how you contributed to the fight. For example, you may have snapped at your partner or talked over them when they needed you to listen. You can say, “I made assumptions without hearing you out first. I didn’t listen to you, and I admit that was wrong of me.”

Deal with your anger. Fights often lead to anger and upset. If you are angry, recognize that you are in control and that your partner does not “make” you angry. Take steps to help calm your anger, such as deep breathing. Think about what causes your anger and try and see the big picture. Journal your feelings to help you explore them and understand them better. For example, if you’re upset that your partner didn’t call you, write about your experience and how it made you feel. You might discover that your anger is really about feeling neglected or wanting more attention.

Put the relationship first. If being right is more important than having a harmonious relationship, it’s probably time to soften and let go. Instead of focusing on why you are right, focus on understanding your partner’s perspective. Be curious about what they think and say and remember that your relationship is more important than being right. For example, instead of saying, “I know I’m right and you’re wrong,” say, “I understand my viewpoint, but I don’t understand yours. Can you elaborate?” Remember that you are both on the same team. Neither partner in the relationship necessarily needs to accept full blame, and you should both work together to find a resolution.

Apologize for your wrongdoing. Express your understanding of what you did, then express your regret for doing it. Show empathy by acknowledging their emotions and how you impacting them. Specifically, say “I’m sorry” so that your partner knows you are explicitly apologizing for your wrongdoing. For example, say, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. It’s unkind of me to yell, and I know it makes you feel disrespected. I feel bad about yelling at you, so I apologize.”

Forgive your partner. Don’t hold a grudge against your partner. Tell your partner that you forgive them and do not want to harbor negative feelings toward them or the relationship. You can also write a letter to your partner saying that you forgive them. Let them know that you are letting go of grudges and leaving the past in the past. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget what happened or that it didn’t matter. It’s a way to release your negative emotions and choose a new beginning. Forgiveness doesn’t happen all at once, it’s a process.

Reconciliation

Take some space. Time away from your partner can help both of you clear your heads and calm down. Be clear in your actions by communicating your need for space. Before taking space, agree to meet up or speak within a few days so that the issue doesn’t linger on. This will allow both of you to sort through your emotions and come to solutions on your own. It will also let your partner know you don’t intend to break up. For example, if you live together, consider going away for a day or a weekend on your own or spending some more time outside of the house. If you do not live together or are long distance, agree not to communicate for a short period of time, like a day or two.

Set boundaries. When making up, it’s important not to start the fight all over again. One way to do this is to set boundaries. You might decide to only discuss solutions or shut down any statements that are hurtful or blaming. The boundaries you set should be agreed upon by both people in order to keep the conversation positive and moving forward. For example, agree to not yell at each other or call each other names. If your discussion gets heated, it might be time to take a break or talk about it later.

Listen to your partner with an open heart. Once you’re able to talk about the fight with your partner, put your focus into listening. While it’s easier to think about what you want to say or defend yourself, shift into making your priority understanding your partner. Avoid interrupting or thinking about what you will say while they are speaking. Instead, give your full attention, make eye contact, and affirm your understanding. For example, summarize their statements when they finish by saying, “What I hear you saying is that you’d like me to communicate my feelings better to you.” Avoid absolute language like "always" and "never." Resist the urge to be "right." Instead, be humble and listen to your partner's side of the issue. Acknowledge that they may be right about some things too.

Support your partner’s emotions. If your partner is angry, support them in their process and help them to feel calm. If your partner expresses how they feel to you, hear them out and don’t interrupt. Let them express their emotions, even if you think they are outrageous or uncalled for. If your partner feels heard, this can help bring closeness and understanding. Let your partner speak and try to understand how they feel. Make your goal to understand, not judge or dismiss their feelings.

Communicate your thoughts and feelings. When you express yourself, do so intentionally so that your partner can relate and understand you. One way to do this is by using “I” statements, which shift the focus to how you feel instead of what your partner did. When you want to blame or criticise your partner, stop and instead, state how you feel. For example, say, “I felt hurt that you made dinner for your friend but not for me.” This feels less threatening than saying, “You left me out and only thought of your friend.” You can follow your statements up with what you want. For example, say, “I felt left out. I’d like to feel included in the future.” Find common ground. Start with what you both agree about and work from there. If you're struggling to find common ground in this particular argument, remember that you both love each other. That can be your common ground.

Long-Term Healing

Act on their feedback. If your partner gives you constructive feedback following a fight, act on it. This shows that you listened to them and want to make positive changes. Recognize that you’re not perfect and that there are areas where you (and your partner) need to improve. Swallow your defensiveness and make the effort to follow through. For example, if your partner asks you to help out with chores, do them without having to be asked. Take the garbage out, buy groceries, and anticipate the needs of your partner and the home. You shouldn’t have to bend over backward or give up your life to please them. Feedback should feel constructive and not overwhelming or controlling.

Give your partner positive attention. The sooner you two can experience some form of joy and lightheartedness, the better. Actions that create genuine positive feelings will help you and your partner feel connected. Give your partner positive attention in ways that are meaningful to them. Backing away after a fight can lead to distance between you, which, over time, could end your partnership. For example, tell them how attracted you are to them, take them on a date, or cook them dinner.

Share affection. Affection can help foster feelings of connection with you and your partner, which is especially helpful after a fight. Hold your partner’s hand, put your arm around them, or touch or caress their leg. Make sure you touch your partner in a way that they enjoy. Affection can also lower stress levels, so both you and your partner benefit from touch.

Do something fun together. It's important to repair your friendship as well as your romantic relationship. Plan a fun date together. Go out to your favorite restaurant, take a hike, or go to a museum. Do something that you both enjoy doing.

Make a grand romantic gesture. If it was a major fight and you’re having a hard time reconnecting with your partner, a romantic gesture may be just the thing. Buy your partner a gift that they want or make an appointment for a massage. If you want to go big, book a trip together or take them on their dream date. The gesture should make your partner feel cared for and loved. A romantic gesture, however, does not take the place of an apology or a solution to your problems.

See a couples’ counselor. If you and your partner are committed to each other yet can’t find a way to work through a fight, couples’ counseling may help. A couples’ counselor can help with negative communication, growing distance, resolving differences, and repairing positive feelings for one another. Seeing a counselor can be a difficult decision, but keep in mind that counseling can help your relationship heal and grow. Be willing to seek counseling early instead of leaving it as a last resort. Getting help and support are signs of strength, not weakness. Find a couples’ counselor by contacting your insurance provider or a local mental health clinic. You can also seek a recommendation from a friend or do an internet search for a therapist close to you.

Accept the changes in your relationship. After a fight, you may see your partner differently or feel like you’ve seen a different side of them. It’s normal to move past the “honeymoon stage” in relationships and recognize that your partner is a normal person, flaws and all. If the fight changed your relationship or your perception of your partner, accept these changes without holding them against your partner. The fight may introduce a new dynamic in the relationship, so be willing to be flexible with these changes. Some couples yearn to go back to “the way it was.” However, it’s important to realize that relationships evolve and shift, so it’s best to accept the relationship and create positive experiences to move forward. Use the experience as a learning experience to help you strengthen your relationship in the future.