Asking Questions
Ask the person to repeat themselves. This can be a great way to open up the conversation. Many people get away with saying offensive things because they assume no one will challenge them. By asking them to repeat themselves, you’re forcing them to actually admit what they said and if they stand behind it. Use a casual, innocent tone when you ask them to repeat themselves. You can almost pretend that you simply didn’t understand what they said. You can say, “I’m sorry, could you say that again?” or “I’m not sure I heard you. Can you repeat that?” If the person refuses to repeat the offensive statement, they probably feel ashamed of what they said. You can say something like, “Oh, okay. I just thought you might have said something that struck me as odd. But I guess not.” This will let them know that their statement was not in fact acceptable.
Clarify their use of language. If the person has used specific language that’s offensive, ask them to explain exactly what they meant by it. Most people will not be willing to defend their use of slurs or offensive language once they’re challenged to do so. If they’ve referred to a person or group using a racial slur, you can say something like, “I know that person is a member of that group. I’ve only heard people use the word you used to express a prejudice against people of that group. Is that what you’re trying to say?” You can say something like, “The word you used has a specific meaning. Are you aware of that? Can I tell you where it comes from?”
Express your understanding of their statement. The person might not have used language that offended you. It might have been their tone or their timing. Explain what you took from their statement. They may be surprised to hear what you say. Many people are unaware when something they do or say offends someone. If you don’t think they were trying to offend you, say so. This will lessen the chance that they’ll feel defensive. You can start by saying, “I’m sure you meant no harm, but…” or “I know you always try to be sensitive to others’ feelings, so I wanted to let you know…”
Ask them if your understanding is accurate. They might be eager to explain the misunderstanding. You can say, “Is that what you meant to say?” or “Does that sound like what you were trying to say?” It’s possible that they did mean to offend or shock you. Be prepared for this. They might have been subtly trying to stir up conflict. If they did intend to cause harm, stay calm. Don’t stoop to trying to offend them yourself.
Express your feelings about their intent. If their intent was to offend, let them know how you feel about that. You can say that you feel hurt, surprised, or saddened. If they didn’t mean to offend you, you can say that you feel relieved to know that they wouldn’t ever intend to cause harm. This can be very useful with someone who values your opinion. If the person wants to please you, knowing how you feel can influence their behavior. You can express feelings without expressing judgement. For example, you can say, “I feel really surprised” rather than, “I can’t believe you would say something like that.”
Expressing your Values
Refrain from responding. This is a common way that people express disapproval. Sometimes when people say something offensive, they’re hoping for a response. When you don’t give them what they want, they may register that they’ve offended you. This is different than simply pretending they didn’t say something offensive. You must actively refrain from giving the response they want. If someone tells an offensive joke, refusing to laugh or smile shows that you don’t approve of their humor. If some asks you a question and uses a slur or offensive language, you can opt to not answer.
Set boundaries. Instead of simply not responding, you can respond directly to the offensive comment. Let the person know that if they want to converse with you, they’ll have to honor your boundaries. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t continue this conversation if you’re going to use that language” or “I need you to use a different tone so that I can hear what you’re saying without taking offense.”
Remain calm. This is important in order to not escalate the situation. Use a measured, casual tone when expressing your boundaries. You don’t want to come off as threatening. Remember that you’re not telling them what they need to do; you’re telling them what your needs are in order for the conversation to continue. Even if someone has said something highly offensive, becoming visibly upset will not help the situation. Pay attention to your body language and maintain eye contact. Keeping your torso pointed towards them will also show you are interested in trying to resolve the situation.
Having a Conversation
Decide why this conversation is important to you. Are you hoping to change their mind about something? Is there someone else you’re trying to protect? Perhaps you just want to feel more comfortable around them yourself. Before starting a conversation, make sure you know what your goals are in bringing up your concerns. It’s possible that your goals can’t be achieved. For example, you might wish that a much older relative would stop using a word you find offensive. However, they may be so stuck in their ways that having a conversation isn’t going to yield your desired result. If your goal isn’t achievable, choose one that is. You might not be able to stop your relative from using that word, but you can at least let them know how you feel about it.
Ask the person to have a conversation. Choose a time and place when you can both feel comfortable. You should be able to have privacy and not feel rushed. You may want to let them choose the time and place. Let them know why you’d like to talk to them. You can say, “You said something the other day that I’d like to talk to you about. Are you up for that?” Let them know that you are assuming the best about them. You can say, “You said something earlier that I admit I found offensive. I’m sure you didn’t intend that, but I’d like to talk about it.”
Remember who you’re talking to. If the person is someone you know well and trust, keep that in mind. They may feel awful knowing that they offended you. If they’re someone whom you don’t know well or don’t trust, keep that in mind, too. Consider whether the person has any motivation to change their behavior. For example, if their job is at stake, they will likely take this conversation seriously. If they’re unlikely to ever see you again, they may simply brush off your concern. You can use your relationship to the person to help influence them. For example, you could say to a service provider, “I’d like to continue hiring you, but I feel really uncomfortable when I hear that kind of language.” Or to a relative, such as your child, you could say, “I don't feel comfortable being around others when you speak that way.”
Prevent a second offense. If the remark was particularly hurtful, tell the person that if it happens again, you will take action. This is generally appropriate when hateful words or slurs are used knowingly. In a work environment, you can say, “If I hear that word again, I’m going to have to speak to our supervisor.” In a family context, you can say, “I think I will have to go home if you continue speaking like that.” Just tell them straight forward. We usually overthink things and make the worst of it. Being straight forward does not mean that you should rub it in their face. You just have to say how you feel without gracing your self ego as well as theirs. People always try to tell some indirect stories and it ends up vindicating the other person. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way forward is to limit your time with the other person in the future.
Speak about your feelings. Knowing how you feel may help the person understand. They might not understand why what they said is offensive, but knowing that you feel hurt could be enough to help them change their behavior. Use “I” statements. This means saying, “I felt angry when you used that word to describe our coworker” instead of, “It was wrong of you to use that word to describe our coworker.” Another example is saying, “I felt embarrassed when you told that joke” instead of, “That joke wasn’t funny.” Try to express your feelings without getting visibly upset. If the remark was extremely offensive, you may feel panicked or even start to cry. If this happens, that’s okay. You may simply need to take some time and space before you can have a calm conversation. If you find yourself becoming upset during the conversation, excuse yourself. Say something along the lines of, "Please give me a minute, I'd like to discuss this with a level head."
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