“Bill’s Pool Hall, 8 Ball speaking.”
Pretend to be a business or service with a hilarious catchphrase. Nothing confuses spam callers more than acting like you’re an employee at a made-up business with a funny twist. Once they hang up, block them to make sure they can’t call you from that number again. “City Morgue, you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em. How can I help you?” “Myrtle’s girdles, Myrtle speaking. What can I do for you today?” “Jim’s sperm bank, you smack it, we pack it! How can I help you today?” “Alcoholics Anonymous, Jack Daniels speaking.” “Alejandro’s Mortuary and Taco Stand, where yesterday’s grief is today’s beef. What can I do for you today?” “Papa’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic. Your loss is our sauce. How can I help you?” “This is the hokey pokey hotline, we’ll help you turn yourself around.” “House of Pain, how can we hurt you today?” “Roger’s Crematorium. You got the cash, we got the ash. Jenny here.” “Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it. What can I get started for you today?” “Jonestown orphanage, you make ‘em, we take ‘em. This is Johnny speaking.” “This is the cannibal help hotline. Remember, people are friends, not food.”
“Pizza Hut, how can I take your order?”
Pretend they dialed the number of a business or service. If fake businesses aren’t your style, act like you’re an employee at a real one. Pick your favorite grocery store, restaurant, or fast food joint, and ask the spam caller what you can help them with. If they call back thinking they dialed the wrong number, try using a different one to confuse them! “Thanks for calling Home Depot, this is Gene. How may I help you?” “Hi, this is Jake from State Farm.” “This is the city zoo, Wolf speaking.” “This is the urology department. Can I put you on hold?” “KCAP, go ahead, caller. You’re on the air!” “International House of Pancakes, this is Yolanda speaking.”
“I have your money, please just let my brother go!”
Answer like you were expecting a call from someone else. Spam calls can be the perfect way to unleash your inner actor. Try to order a pizza from the caller, pretend to be on the other end of a shady business deal, ask if they’re your long-lost parent… the possibilities are endless! “We’ve been trying to get ahold of you for weeks! Your test results are in, you need to come in immediately.” “Yes, I’d like an extra large pizza with mushrooms, sausage, peppers, and onions, please.” “Tell Marty I want his full payment by noon tomorrow or he’s done.” “The job is done, but there’s blood everywhere. What do you want me to do?” “He’s dead. What do you want me to do with the body?” “Dad? Is that you? I’ve been waiting for you to call ever since you left.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
Make them think they dialed a government number. This can be a great way to give a spam caller a mini heart attack and make them hang up right away. However, if you ever get a scam caller who pretends to represent a known company or government agency, hang up and report it to the Federal Trade Commission. “Sheriff’s department, fraud division. How can I direct your call?” “This number isn’t public. I need to know how you got it right now.” “FBI Cybercrimes Divison. This call is being recorded, how may I assist you?”
“What are you wearing right now?”
Shamelessly flirt with the person on the other side. Flirting with spam callers can not only encourage them to hang up, but it can make them take you off their call list entirely. Answer with a pickup line or flirt with the scammer throughout the call to waste the time they could be spending scamming someone else. “Are you a charger? Because I’m dying without you.” “It’s not fair that your phone gets to be held by you because that’s all I want.” “I was feeling a little off today, but you turned me on again.” “Are you a Wi-Fi signal? Because I’m feeling a strong connection between us.” “When can I talk to you again? I’m free on all the days that end in ‘Y.’” “Do you have a name, or should I just call you ‘mine?’” “Are you my wisdom teeth? Because I have a feeling I need to take you out as soon as possible.” “When our grandchildren ask how we met, what should we tell them?” “Did we go to school together? I swear we had chemistry.” “Hey! I’m learning about important dates in history, want to be one of them?”
“You’ve reached the Batcave. Alfred isn’t available right now.”
Wait until the phone rings a few times and pretend to be a voicemail. According to Consumer technology expert Mitch Harris, “if you prove to [spam callers] that you are going to cost them more time than it's worth, oftentimes, they will leave you alone.” One of the quickest ways to do that is to pretend to be an annoying inbox. “This is Ariana Grande, I can’t answer the phone right now but I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” “You’ve reached the voicemail of Harry, please leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!” “My voicemail greeting is just a Celine Dion song, if you make it to the end without hanging up I’ll call you back!” (then sing a Celine Dion song of your choice) “Hi, this is Martha. Just kidding! This is voicemail, leave a message after the beep.”
“Is there something strange and it don’t look good? Ghostbusters, here.”
Recite a famous movie or TV quote. Not sure how to get that spam caller to leave you alone? Quote a movie or TV show right off the bat to show them you’re not interested. If they start to recite their own sales pitch, try only to talk when they do to drive them crazy. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (The Princess Bride) “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, you walk into mine.” (Casablanca) “Good morning, Vietnam!” (Good Morning, Vietnam) “No, this is Patrick!” (Spongebob Squarepants) “Here’s Johnny!” (The Shining) “Hasta la vista, baby.” (Terminator 2: Judgement Day) “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.” (The Silence of the Lambs) “Buddy the elf, what’s your favorite color?” (Elf)
“I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction.”
Tell the spam caller a joke to make them laugh. One-liners can be a fun way to answer spam calls—not only can you whip out your favorite jokes, but there’s a chance the person on the other line will laugh, too. Just make sure not to respond to any questions they ask—some callers may record your voice and use it to authorize charges to your bank accounts. “Thank goodness you called! Maybe you can tell me what to do. I accidentally swallowed food coloring this morning—I think I dyed a little inside.” “Did you hear about the exorcist who offers a payment plan? Apparently, if people fall behind on their payments, they’ll get repossessed!” “I almost missed your call! I just flew in from New York, and boy, are my arms tired.” “Hey, are you going to the cannibal social? They really like to eat new people.” “I just found a penny in my dryer. I’m not sure where it came from. Do you think it makes cents?” “Hey, I might seem a little off. I just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.” “I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. What do you think?”
“Hi, this is Kathy. Can you give me a second?”
Ask them to hold and walk away for a few minutes. Harris says, “If I do answer a call from a spam number, I'll tell them to hold on a second. [Then I’ll] set my phone down, and then tell them every couple of seconds, ‘This is a really important call. I want to give you that information, I just have a few more things to take care of.’ Harris says “I know that at least during that period of time they're not scamming anyone else, and that's a little bit satisfying.”
Block the number or don’t pick up.
It’s best to avoid engaging with spam callers. Although it can be funny to mess around with spam callers, answering the phone might bring you more trouble than it’s worth. Even just saying “Hello?” when you answer the phone can let spam callers know that your number is active, which can trigger more spam calls. To block telemarketing calls, register your number on the Federal Trade Commission’s National Do Not Call registry. If you receive a robocall, try not to press any buttons or call the number back. Contact your phone company to ask about blocking solutions that can help protect you from unwanted or illegal calls.
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